Day 14

Entry: fourteen.

Today I learned that even in hi-sec I wasn't safe. As if the lesson about low-sec wasn't enough, this is starting to become a much heavier burden to bear than I had ever suspected.

A corpmate of mine, MaiteK, was under attack. She called out for help, and I came in to save her. She had apparently had her can flipped by a pirate, WildAtHart, and had unknowingly given the pirate the rights to attack her by stealing her stolen ore back.

I responded, and only a jump or two out, made best speed to Magiko in my second Rupture so far.
I made it into system rather quickly, and warped to the asteroid belt given to me by MaiteK. Upon landing, I saw the pirate, red on my overview in a Rifter, and engaged. The pirate immediately set orbit in close on me, and I found myself unable to hit her while she kept a warp disruptor on MaiteK. It didn't take long for her to destroy me and MaiteK.

To be clear, I lost yet another cruiser, and to a frigate, and the frigate also destroyed a mining vessel I'd been trying to protect. I feel helpless, as if I'm doing everything wrong and unable to help anyone. I can't even kill a lowly frigate, and yet I've now lost approximately fifteen million in ISK, and am barely able to keep myself afloat with all the missioning I'm doing. I quite literally have to go back to doing level one missions in a destroyer I had left over, as I don't have the ISK to replace my cruiser, and I can't yet do level two missions in anything smaller than a cruiser.

It's so frustrating, I don't understand, and no one seems able to help me understand. I can take the losing, I can take the dying, I just can't take NOT UNDERSTANDING. To be honest, I'm on the verge of tears, only the shreds of manhood holding them back.

What choice do I have though, except to push forward and persevere? I can't go back to being a baker, not now. At the same time, I'm completely unprepared for everything going on out here. I can't protect my friends, I can't destroy ships I've moved past. I can't even keep myself in enough ISK to afford new ships. I can barely afford to buy myself a new clone to make sure I don't lose skills I've already trained.

Please, someone, help me...I can't take this...

Computer: terminate recording.